Remedy

Could we get some love from Montana, please? And for that matter, Wyoming, New Mexico and North Dakota?

These are the only four states in which the Remedy Band website has not had a single visitor. Now I realize that electricity is still a moderately new concept in rural parts of Montana (along with indoor plumbing) and most of that is generated by hamsters on spinning wheels in cages, but surely you would think that at least ONE person from these states, if even my mistake, would have accidentally found themselves on our website. To put things in perspective, we should also note that since the site’s inception, we’ve had visits from a whopping 56 different countries including 148 visits from Israel, 18 visits from Australia, 5 visits from Singapore, 2 visits from Croatia, and yes, even a registered visit from Kazakhstan.

The visitor from Kazakhstan I’m told, traveled 130 miles from his village to a nearby mountain which he climbed in order to get the strongest possible signal strength for his laptop. Along the way, he drank water from a mud puddle to keep himself hydrated, slayed a wild boar for nourishment along his trek, and battled four hyenas that attacked him on his way up the mountain…all in an effort to visit our site. Granted, he was looking for a REMEDY for goat meat poisoning, (original Google search) but he still managed to get to our site and stay there for one minute and thirty-two seconds once he arrived. Further, he left of a kind comment for Andy, our drummer, on one of the site’s pages, stating “Hey drummer-boy, I think you would make good husband for either sister or goat, please visit soon.” No worries Andy, I told him you were already taken.

Reviewing all these details, is it not reasonable to think that we could get at least ONE visitor from New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana or North Dakota?

I’ve taken matters into my own hands in an effort to ensure a flood of visitors from these four states, setting up what I believe to be a brilliant marketing promotion. I’ve read an abundance of research on these states and their residents, including favorite pastimes, and have found they enjoy (in order)….

1. Watching paint dry
2. Observing grass grow
3. Milking cows
4. Predicting weather
5. Antiquing

Recognizing that options for entertainment are limited in these locations, the band has decided to award the first visitor from each of these states, an all expenses paid, week long stay in the Briscoe Bed and Breakfast in sunny Fayetteville, GA. This will include full gourmet meals, including a wide variety of custom dips by Chef Elisa and nightly foot and scalp massages by in-house masseusse Tim Briscoe.

NOTE: Cows will be available for milking on premises if requested in advance.

This will be advertised on all local radio stations (couldn’t afford television ads and research indicates 98% of residents still don’t have one) in those states throughout the month of April and we’re hoping to get an onslaught of visitors showing up on next month’s analytics report. If this fails to have the desired impact however, plan B involves us to packing up our gear and conducting a four state tour to get the word out, with stops in all major cities within those states which guarantees ticket buyers a maximum of two shows to choose from along the tour.

Personally, I’m looking forward to the opportunity to visit these fantastic states, if for no other reason than to pick up a few antiques from some local experts while I’m there.

(NOTE: Promotion stated above not real – no e-mails please!)